I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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