so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
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I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
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I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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