so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
