i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
