Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
