just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
