well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
