Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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