The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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