She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
sarcasm needs its own font
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
