Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
is that a dick in a sweater?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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