i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
im on a boat
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