I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize
