How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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