this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
