Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We just shotgunned beers for America
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
