if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
