It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
