Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
