I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
