On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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