thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
