i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
