It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
