I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
