if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
