Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
