Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
