I showed him my bush... on skype.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
