I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
