Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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