i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
