Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
