She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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