I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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