apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
