He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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