i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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