New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
