direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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