So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
