Need sex. Gaining weight.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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