stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
