im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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