The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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