I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
