I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
