Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
