Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
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well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
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Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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