The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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