Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
