i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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