I accidentally burped into my bong.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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