Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
