Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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