It's like God shit irony all over that family
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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