i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
