so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
