I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
