how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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