Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
