I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
a search helicopter?!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
