My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
